Jan 24, 2004
I have a new segment on my BLOG that emodies fun in it's purest form.
It is entitled:
Welcome to RONWORLD'S INBOX. As you probably already figured out, this is the forum where I reply to correspondence sent to me either through the blogdrive reply control window here on the blog, or mail I receive at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Not too recently "ID'S CONCUBINE" asked this question about the recent U.S. MARS MISSION:
"...with all the technological processing they do to "enhance" the photo
We might just as well do the thing on PhotoShop and scrap the mission (saving money for tax cuts to the wealthiest and most evil Americans) Your thoughts, Mr. RonWorld?"
Well ID'S CONCUBINE, the answer is simple...Haliburton hasn't diversified enough to find a division of the company that can win an exclusive mulit-billion dollar contract to cover the massive production costs for such an undertaking. If Haliburton does make a bid to buy out Industrial Light And Magic Inc. any time in the near future, then you can start hedging your bets that the next MARS MISSION may be an IMAX affair. You see, giving further tax cuts to the wealthiest American's will look bad and cause the majority of working stiffs to don Viking outfits and rampage through the streets screaming, "EAT THE RRRICH!" and some may even dress up as old world sea captains and run through the streets screaming, "REMEMBER THE MAAAINE!". That is just way too risky, so rather than make themselves more exempt from taxation, in order to keep up appearances, they maintain their current level of taxation while finding clever and virtually undetectable ways of siphoning off tax dollars without anybody noticing, such as giving out massive bonuses to corporate executives of companies that received lucrative government contracts. This way they just take YOUR tax dollars instead of paying less themselves.
Posted at 09:20 pm by captainsblog
Well, there are far more important things to talk about than the possiblities of what would ensue if Captain Kangaroo's casket was shot off into space ala Mr. Spock in "The Wrath Of Khan".
For instance, I just heard that two employees of Haliburton, siphoned off 61 MIILLION dollars of tax payer money, and then left the company on their own accord before being caught. Do you think Dick Cheney can get me a job? That sounds like one hell of a golden parachute. Loot those taxpayers baby! LOOT EM!!!!
All of this follows Haliburton receiving another highly lucrative "no bid" contract for BRINGING fuel to IRAQ. Excuse me...doesn't Iraq already HAVE the second largest reserve of oil in the world?
We liberate them, but knock out all their vital services in the process, take our sweet time rebuilding the infrastructure, STEAL the money allocated for such rebuiliding, and then SELL them a commodity that they already own but are unable to access following all the destruction of our liberating efforts. YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!
Also, how is it that these "no bid" contracts continue to be offered. My f*cking tax money is being robbed. It's steal from the poor and give to the rich. "RobbingHood: Prince Of Skeeves".
Speaking of films, Woody Allen needs to address this in a sequel by making "TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN II". The movie would feature the continuing adventures of Virgil Stockwell, who after serving his sentence for his crimes, is identified as an ideal candidate for employment by a big energy conglomerate. Upon looking over his resume, the human resources people would exclaim, "Wow, a lifetime's history of theft! Here's our man!". The mayhem ensues.
In my version, I would call it "Honey, I Shrank The Economy". A fictional Vice President/Scientist would feverishly develop a ray gun to be mounted on satellites, that siphons money directly out of tax payers pockets! Why steal their tax money, when you take the cash directly from the citizens? What a model of efficiency!
Inadvertently, the entire economy is diminished to the point where even the paper money itself needs to be scaled back to one tenth the current size, to allow it be worth at least as much as the paper it is printed on.
Coming soon to a theatre near you, and quite possibly your actual community.
Posted at 11:20 am by captainsblog
Jan 23, 2004
Captain Kangaroo's Brave New World
I heard the news today that Captain Kangaroo is no more.
I'm starting this wild rumor that NASA has plans to put his body into a casket shaped capsule and fire it off to MARS.
NASA's hope is that in some bizarre way, maybe Captain Kangaroo's spirit will help the "Spirit" rover craft recover from it's critical malfunctions so it can continue it's reconnaissance of MARS.
Of course this makes sense; since he was a Captain, his spirit is therefore qualified to assume the mantle of command over the vessel.
The rumor spins out of control purporting that this plan has gone awry. Apparently Captain Kangaroo's hair merged with some rogue bacteria on the red planet, and a vast population of children's tv show entertainers in the form of sponge shaped creatures with dutch-boy haircuts has rapidly spread across MARS.
The Captain Spongeroos are difficult to spot against the red soil backdrop of MARS because they are all decked out in those fashionable red blazers. The result is a chameleon like camouflage that allows the Spongeroo population to thrive unabated.
The Europeans are the first to identify the malcreation, capturing images of the Captain Spongeroo population with the advanced optics aboard their orbiting space craft.
The population of Captain Spongeroos becomes beligerent and fires "Mr. Bunny Rabbits Of Mass Destruction" at any craft that attempts to take their picture or ask for an autograph.
Eventually their reign over MARS will have to be stopped by a massive invasion of an amry of genetic clones of Mr Rogers.
George Lucas aquires the license for the entire rumor, and creates a series of movies entitled, "MARS WARS - BATTLE OF THE CHEAP COLONGES", in which the army of Mr. Rogers clones defeats the red clad Captain Spongeroo population with special space rifles that shoot massive blasts of Aqua Velva aftershave.
Posted at 09:27 pm by captainsblog
Jan 18, 2004
Is The Department Of Redundancy At It YET Again?
"The President has committed combat troops under a pretext he knew to be false when he presented it to Congress. By the end of the first year of American involvement, more than 500 American soldiers have died and no clear end is in sight at this time."
Does this sound familiar?
No, as coincidental as it might seem, I'm referring to....
....VIET NAM in 1964.
Is The Department Of Redundancy At It YET Again?
While I'm on the subject of 1964, I've just discovered the delight of watching NBC's series "American Dreams".
In an era where Reality TV saturates the airwaves, this slice of life fictional show is refreshing. I understand the plots for the show have been steadily progressing along timelines that started in the 1950s. All I can say is that the music in the show is excellent. The soundtrack really makes the show, and will no doubt be available on Time Life records in the near future. Fom what little I've seen, the show is instantly endearing, though they need more car chases...LOL just kidding about the lack of chase sequences. .
The Presidential Debates would be certainly more lively if car chase sequences were interspersed with the proceedings. Just Imagine Gephardt going haywire in a white bronco down the LA freeway, or Kerry going banshee in a go-kart, mowing down all the podiums. Bush would probably be too drunk to drive, so we'll let him ride a unicycle or something. It's the official vechicle of the circus so what could be more appropriate?
I'm all for the use of ninjas in these debates as well. If a candidate goes on too long, a ninja should swoop in and drop kick them. Either that or former Governor and Pro Wrester Jesse Ventura should smash the errant candidate over the head with a metal folding chair.
Well, enough of this silly nonsense. I'm going to end this before I get hit with a metal folding chair.
Posted at 09:51 pm by captainsblog
Jan 14, 2004
Where Is Bo And Luke, And More Importantly Daisy Duke?
A former co-worker once told me that everybody has a character on tv that they resemble. He used to play this game where he would try and figure out which tv character each person in the office resembled. It was a fun game. He told me that I most closely resemble "Murdock" from "THE A TEAM". Cool! I always loved Murdock's zany antics.
I can't help but think the current administration reminds way too much of "The Dukes Of Hazzard".
When Bubya purses his mouth his speech pattern reminds me of that character Cleatus. I keep waiting for Dubya to punctuate one of his sentences with the very profound, "geeuh geeuh geeuh!" giggle. Cheney is clearly Boss Hog. Where is Bo and Luke to save the day? More importantly, where is Daisy Duke??
I want THE A TEAM in the white house. George Peppard's character Hannibal always had a plan, and it always came together. If you need to kick Osamas ass, and nobody else can help you ....maybe you can hire....THE A TEAM. Then there was Face Man, who would be the ultimate diplomatic VP, sweet talking the entire world into doing his bidding. Mr T's character BA, could be Colin Powel. "I PITY THE FOOL THAT VIOLATES THE NO FLY ZONE!"...but they'd have to knock him out every time they needed to get him aboard Air Force One. Murdock could basically fly Air Force One and the Presidential Helicopter.
Is it me or is this whole new Presidential Space Plan the biggest and most empty vacuum since the discovery of space itself? It is promise about nothing. A Seinfeld sketch at best. Kramer for Vice President!
Retiring the Space Shuttle is a no brainer, but I feel like Bush is kinda just making the rest of this up as he goes along. It's easy to promise some vague concept when you don't plan on delivering it for another 20 or 30 years, and you don't have to appropriate those long term funds.
Yeah, I'm cynical. I just feel like this is a nothing more than a self serving Administration, trying to appear as if they intend to serve the betterment of mankind because election time is around the corner.
All across the Country, dumb people will exclaim "whoooa", and then go watch their Star Wars 7 Hour Edition DVDs.
If we do establish a base on the Moon, you can bet Starbucks and MacDonalds will be one of the first few structures to be established, after the important task of buidling The Disney Store is out of the way.
Posted at 05:22 pm by captainsblog
Jan 9, 2004
The Department Of Redundancy Is At It Again
The thing about losing my job that annoys me is that my position was declared redundant; all of the sudden there was more than one of me. It wasn't always like that. In fact for six+ years it wasn't like that, until somebody got the bright idea of offshoring our entire operation and opening a sweatshop in Asia. In Thailand they only have to pay people $10K - 20K a year with no health benefits. All that fish and rice must be so healthy that they don't need health benefits...yea yea, thats it.
They say everybody has a double somewhere in this world, and guess what? ...mine is a 90 pound guy Asian guy with a job!
Unemployement should really have a theme song and I've come up with one. Sing this one to the meloldy of that classic 60s song that Tiffany remade in the 80s, "I think we're alone now":
I THINK I'M AT HOME NOW
THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY JOBS AROU-OUND
I THINK I'M AT HOME NOW
THE BEATING OF MY MEAT IS THE ONLY SOU-OUND
An alternative choice from the world of Alternative music (the department of redundancy is at it again) could be "LOSING MY POSITION" sung to the tune of REMs big hit from the 90s, "Losing My Religion".
Well, it looks like President Bush wants to spend enormous sums of money establishing a base on the surface of MARS all of the sudden. I wonder if he reads my BLOG...lol. If you're out there: put the pretzels down! I repeat, step awaaay from the pretzels. Did that really bear repeating? The Department Of Redundancy must be at it again.
Obviously with all this terror threatening to destroy the world as we know it, all the former Enron executives with mansions in Bocca Ratone Florida want a safer place to hide their friends, family, and money.
Maybe there is oil on MARS. If we exploit an entire uninhabited planet for natural resources instead of having a presence in the Middle East, maybe these people that blow up our buildings will get a life and go home. I hope and pray on that one...hope and prayer are not redundant by the way, as similar as they are.
If they do establish a Base there, I am absolutely going to get a PO BOX there.
(the dept. of redundancy apologizes for the word "there" being used twice in the previous sentence...this has been an apology from the dept. of redundancy).
There are PO BOXES out on oil rigs in the Gulf Of Mexico where if you have your company's address listed there, you don't have to pay any taxes! WoooOOOoo hooOOOoo!!!! VIVA -LAS LOOPHOLES!!! Those lucky oil companies...gee whiz that must be great!
This is nothing new. It is a form of "off shoring" that has been going on for years. Until recently, U.S. corporations have been renting cubicles in Bermuda and locating their corporate addresses there, because there was only a 2% tax requirement there. I applaud the Federal Government for cracking down on that. The oil companies still get away with it, because the Gulf Of Mexico isn't a country. I'm imagining that having an inside connection at the federal level helps keep that going strong. Oil companies shouldn't really pay taxes anyway...I'm mean they don't make much money. So oil companies can dodge being taxed, but my my meager unemployment check is still fair game. Great!
Just imagine the kind of crap you could get away with by having a PO BOX on MARS. Tax shelters, Homesteading Laws, etc. With a vast empty planetary surface you could hide all types of stuff there. Swiss Bank Accounts will pass into history, with the grand opening of THE BANK OF MARS. I think Arnold Schwarzenegger (sp?) should run for Governor Of Mars. They should also rename the planet, "Condoleza's Playground"...or "RiceLand"...I'm not sure which I like better.
Speaking of redundancy, how is that I am taxed on my unemployment? Looks like the department of redundancy is at it again. The employer pays for the unemployment insurance, the department of labor cuts me a check, and somehow I have to pay for it too.
Well, if I sound like an ungreatful shit, I just want to say that I wholeheartedly appreciate the sacrifices and effort that previous generations have endured to make the United States Of America one of the greatest places in the entire world to live. I'm just concerned that the greed of short term profiteering that is so prevalent in this era of corporate shame, will make life difficult in the future for my 3 year old niece and impossible for me when I'm an old and crusty seemingly ungreatful shit. With 401Ks being sucked dry, and social security just plain sucking (is the dept. of redundancy at it again?) , the future is more scary than the terrorists.
By the way, I got a few job offers today! One of them sounds really appealing, although it is only temporary with no benefits...I'll have to start eating more rice and fish...hell I love Sushi so why not. In fact all of them were with subcontracting companies that don't want to pay for my healthcare! Cheap bastards.
I have never collected unemployment before, and I have worked steadily since graduating college. If I sound ignorant about how unemployment works, that's because I am...I have held one job or another since age 16, and this is my first time going through this. It's not the end of the world. I consider it a wonder that I can get compensation when not employed, and am thankful for it. Thank goodness I don't have any kids to support though.
Posted at 03:54 am by captainsblog
Jan 7, 2004
I kind of miss the days of manned space fight. Sure it's dangerous, too expensive, and impractical, but that never stopped the war on Iraq.
This recent mission to MARS is great, but the idea of a camera boldly going where no man has gone before, reminds me more of a colonoscopy than the grand futuristic visions of space exploration that the millenium ought to be. One small step for man, one large step for Texas Instruments.
The most important reason for going to Mars is to stay well ahead of the Chinese in space exploration, now that they have recently conquered space travel. We need to impress upon the Chinese that America is STILL number one! We still rule, because we went to Mars FIRST!! Okay, we didn't actually GO
there, but we managed to fire a robot up there to steal some rocks, take pictures of rocks, and deeply analyze what amounts to a bunch of rocks.
Forget science. By NASA "going" to Mars, the Chinese are now forced to wake up and smell the mad cow cheeseburger, and realize that we Americans are not a bunch of slacker fatsos that are overfed on fast food and reality tv.
Ironically, the American diet consists largely of artificial process foods, while the television industry strives to bring us reality. It really should be the other way around; mostly real food, and mostly fake tv. Actually, who am I kidding...hardly anything on tv is real. Have you seen Sam Donaldson's hair? That's living proof...or synthetic proof actually.
With election time right around the corner, having the bragging rights to claim that you presided over the Administration that put sophisticated calculators on MARS, makes a guy look great....it's a bragging right that is the Presidential equivalent of being able to say to your freinds that you had sex with Madonna.
One more thought about manned space travel...after watching Apollo 13, it is apparent that just because you send somebody out to space, doesn't mean you will be able to get them back. This should be harnessed to our advantage. We should be firing all kinds of people into space. I think Geraldo Rivera should volunteer for the first shift, with Jerry Springer riding shotgun.
Posted at 09:40 pm by captainsblog
Jan 6, 2004
Welcome to R O N - W O R L D ! ! ! A few days ago I didn't even know what a BLOG was, but thanks to a suggestion by my friend "ID", I'm the proud propogator of more useless nonsense on the internet! "ID" thought it was a good idea, so it must be so!
The horizontal line above is intended to section off the stupid introductary text from the really substantial stuff, like my personal thoughts.
So why am I creating this? The truth is I'm not getting laid, and that frees up a lot of time in my schedule. I was also recently laid OFF which reeeally frees up time.
Getting laid off was a great way to ring in 2004. Of course there is a great sense of loss, but fortunately I've already been through the five phases of acceptance:
and back to the Spanish Channel
The one advantage of TV over the internet is there are never pop-up adds on tv. You know when there is going to be a string of commercials, and the remote pretty much takes care of that. For you TIVO people, there is even less effort required to skirt being inundated with advertising, but on the other hand, you are missing out on some really good Spanish Channel moments that regular tv watchers are privy to during those remote control flip arounds.
I really hate pop-up ads. One of the reasons I picked BLOGDRIVE to host my ramblings is that they promise not to throw pop-ups in the face of the many hundreds of thousands of people whose inquiring minds will no doubt be prying into these insightfull paragraphs.
Pop-up blocking software is not enough. I am looking for "Pop-up Stalker"...this software will find out who the jerks creating the popups are, and then contract local people in their area to stalk these jerks where they live and annoy the hell out of them by shoving big cue-card sized signs in their face offering low mortages, venerial web cams, and penis enlargements everytime they dare appear in public. This would create lots of jobs for laid off people like me, while imparting a sort of justice, and giving a finer sense of balance to the universe.....maybe it would be a sort of "New Deal".
I had a vivid dream a few nights ago, that I had sex with Madonna. She jumped on top of me and was being very aggressive. I was enjoying the sense of initiative my subconsicous granted her likeness with.
After some really arousing foreplay in which she played rough by wrestling me and slapping my face we started to go at it like wild animals in heat. There was no condom used, and all was going well until I became aware of that fact.
There I was, fully penetrating the most intimate if not the most travelled part of one of my favorite artists, and all of the sudden the hassle of safe sex ruins the moment. I mean, it's a freakin dream...what is my subconscious trying to do...torture me? I didn't have a condom with me in the dream, and after much contemplation which ranged from the thrill of the moment to the thrill of the bragging rights that would forever follow the moment, I decided I HAD to pull out....ugh! Shorty after that I woke up, shut off the alarm clock and went to my last day at work....what an anticlimactic way to end a career.
Well that's the end of this entry. Like a great date, it went really fast and was over before you knew it. Don't worry, follow ups are inevitable. Later.
Posted at 07:21 pm by captainsblog